Sidekick Mayhem
by radishesandspectraspects
Summary: When Midna, Navi, and Tatl get abducted by some mysterious figure, they are forced to team up with Link and Fi in a hilariously insane adventure to kill Ghirahim and get back home. But can Link stop them from killing each other? Rated T because of Midna's swearing issues.
1. Chapter 1

**Yeah, I know that I have a million stories to update, but I just HAD to get this one out. Mind you, updates will be very slow until further notice because I want to focus on my LOTR fanfic, but I'll do my best.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Legend Of Zelda**

Sidekick Mayhem: Chapter One

In a tree in Kokiri Forest, a loud alarm clock went off, causing a tiny blue ball of light to fall out of bed. The fairy flew up off the ground and whizzed excitedly around her tree.

"Breakfast Time! Breakfast Time! Wheeee!" the obnoxious fairy squealed.

She zoomed over to the fridge and downed a whole jug of Lon Lon milk in one gulp. This caused her to abruptly pass out and crash into a set of shelves, smashing their contents onto the floor.

A light yellow fairy poked her head into the tree.

"Navi, will you quiet down in there?! It's only 3:00 in the morning!"

Navi hiccoughed and slowly got up.

"Sorry there, Tatl." she said woozily.

Tatl sighed and helped Navi up.

"I'm amazed that you haven't started a forest fire yet with all of your stupidity." said Tatl.

At that moment, a bottle of blue fire shattered on the ground.

Navi pointed to the fire.

"Watch out." she said.

"SHIT!"

_Five minutes later_

Tatl slumped to the floor with a fire extinguisher in her hand, evaluating the damage.

"What kind of an idiot leaves a bottle of blue fire in a TREE?!" yelled Tatl.

Navi giggled. "It looked _pretty_!"

Tatl faced palmed and her brother, Tael, flew into the tree.

"Where did all the fireworks go?" he asked sadly.

"Tael! I thought you were supposed to be in bed!" said Tatl.

"I just drank 57 Cokes!" said Tael happily.

"Whatever. Just go back home! One idiot is all I can handle right now!"

Tael shrugged and left the tree, making motor-boat noises with his mouth.

Tatl sighed and flew to Navi's medicine cupboard while Navi ripped open a box of Lucky Charms and started eating all of the marshmallows. She returned with a tiny tablet in her hand.

"What's that?" asked Navi.

"It's, uhhh...candy." said Tatl.

Navi snatched the tablet and stuffed it in her mouth, automatically knocking herself out.

Tatl carefully put the bottle of Tylenol Night-Time back in the cupboard as Navi's loud snoring echoed around the tree. Suddenly, Tatl felt a sharp prick on her back and everything went dark...

In a different dimension, Twilight Princess Midna was sleeping soundly in her royal chamber. Or so it seemed...

"Mwahaha!" laughed Midna evilly, "I can't believe my idiot guards actually think I'm getting my 'beauty sleep' right now. Everyone knows I can't sleep without plotting the destruction of some other dimension! Yes, I think a giant moon will do nicely...".

"Midna!" someone called.

"What do you want Zant?! Can't you see I'm plotting?!" yelled Midna.

"Could I _please_ sit on your throne?"

"NO!" screamed Midna, causing Zant to wet his pants in fear. "IT'S MY THRONE!"

"Besides, I planted heat-seeking missiles in the walls, so even if you DO sit on the throne it will recognize that you are not me and totally obliterate you in approximately six seconds after contact.

All that was heard was Zant's footsteps as he ran away from the deranged princess.

Midna smirked. _Zant's such a coward_

Suddenly, she heard a series of explosions upstairs. _And apparently a dumbass too_

"ZANT! I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!" she yelled, "Wait, he's already dead. NEVERMIND!"

"Oh, am I?" said Zant in a Darth Vader voice.

Midna whipped around and threw a punch at his face, causing him to fly backwards against the wall. Zant hid cowardly in the corner as Midna screamed questions at him.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET PAST MY MISSILES?!" she screamed.

"Threw...squirrel...at...chair...and...ran...from...room." squeaked Zant in terror.

Midna screamed and ran at Zant.

"Imp transformation!" screamed Zant, transforming Midna into, well...an imp.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO ME?!" screamed Midna.

Zant grinned triumphantly before bolting from the room.

"The pretty throne's mine now!" he giggled happily from the hallway.

Midna smashed her apocalypse diorama in frustration.

"Crap! He's probably going to go sit on my precious throne right now! I should go after..."

Suddenly, Midna's eyes drooped and she fell to the floor, unconscious as she was mysteriously teleported to another world.

In the Master Sword, Fi was chillin' out in front of her plasma T.V as Link slashed his sword around like crazy.

"Die Bokoblins! Die!" Link yelled.

A drop of Bokoblin blood fell on top of Fi's head, so she flew out to confront Link about his killing obsession. Well, Fi's version of confrontation that is...

"Link! Did you know that the square root of 64 is 8?" asked Fi while preforming an intricate dance.

"Cute Fi, but I'm trying to kill things right now." said Link.

"One can always win war, but how does one conquer peace?" said Fi.

"Shut up Fi! I'm busy!" shouted Link.

Fi sighed and flew back into the Master Sword to watch another re-run of Planet Earth.

_Link never understands my unique way of talking, maybe I should take speech therapy._

_NO! _shouted one of many voices in her head. _Metaphors will dominate the world!_

_I'm hungry._ Said a second voice.

_Shut up! _Said Fi and the first voice.

Fi pondered this for a while.

_Maybe I'm just insane. _Fi thought.

_No! We're not insane! We are the most sane being in Hyrule! _Said the first voice.

Fi smiled. _You're right! I'm perfectly sane! Everyone else is crazy, but I'm not crazy! Mwahaha!_

Suddenly, the entire sword jerked and Fi's giant T.V crashed to the floor. Fi flew out of the sword again.

"Hey! What gives?" she said. In actuality, it sounded like this:

"Ottawa is the capitol of Canada." said Fi, before noticing Link's shocked expression.

Fi looked around to see three figures that weren't Bokoblins for a change, slumped in a heap on the floor.

"Did you kill these people?" asked Fi. ("Jingle Bells was written in the autumn of 1857")

Link continued to stare stupidly as the tallest of the three creatures got up.

"Ugh, where the hell am I?" she asked, "If I don't get an answer in five seconds I swear I will fucking MURDER someone!"

"You're in Skyloft." squeaked Link.

The imp looked around before realizing a very critical fact. She was in the world of light.

"SHIT!" screamed the imp and dove into Link's shadow. Suddenly, some text appeared on the screen.

**Press the up button to talk to Midna.**

"What the heck...?" said Link

"The down button is MINE." warned Fi. ("Cheese is commonly made from cow's and goat's milk")

The other two figures slowly got up and flew around in circles, one because it was panicking and the other because it was just plain stupid (I think you can tell which was which).

"Er, hi! I'm Link." said Link.

The panicking fairy stopped flying in circles and zoomed up to Link.

"Where am I?! How do I get back?! Oh god, Tael's going to destroy the village!" the yellow fairy cried.

"I like chicken." said Navi.

"Fairies are vegetarians!" screamed Tatl.

"Oh. Well, then I like steak."

Tatl rolled her eyes exasperatedly and collapsed on the ground.

"Mr. Linky is it nap-time?" asked Navi.

"What are all of you doing here?" asked a very confused Link.

"I don't know!" cried Tatl, "One second I was in Kokiri Forest and now I'm here!"

Suddenly, it was like a lightbulb turned on in Tatl's head.

Tatl gasped, "You could take us back to the forest! You look like you're capable enough for the job. So, what are you waiting for? Bring us back!"

Link shook his head sadly. "There's no Kokiri Forest here."

"Hey! What about the Twilight Realm? Do you know where that is?" asked Midna from Link's shadow.

"Never heard of it." said Link.

"So, what should we do?" asked Tatl quietly.

"Adventure!" cheered Navi.

"Shut up Navi!" yelled Tatl.

"Actually, you're little blue friend is right." said Link, "You see, I'm in the middle of a quest at the moment. In a nutshell, I'm trying to save Zelda and defeat the evil Lord Ghirahim. So you'll probably have to hang with me until I have the time to take you back to your homes."

"Crap!" said Midna, "Zant has probably taken over my place as ruler of the Twilight Realm already! And that means he's sitting in MY THRONE!"

She flew out of the shadow and put her hand around Link's throat.

"You better bring me back to the Twilight Realm, or I will personally END YOU!" she threatened.

Link nodded fearfully and Midna disappeared back into his shadow.

Tatl flew onto Link's shoulder.

"Well, I guess it's adventure time." she sighed.

"Yey!" squealed Navi.


	2. Chapter 2

**Based on my previous chapter, I've realized two things. #1- Fi lives in the Goddess Sword, not the Master Sword and #2- There are no Bokoblins in Skyloft. Guess that teaches me to never write a Fan-Fiction before I actually play the game. Oops.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Legend Of Zelda.**

Midna stretched and tapped her foot inside of Link's shadow as the Hero of Time shopped at the Bazaar. She sighed. '_That boy takes longer to shop than my mom on boxing day'_

"Do you want this seed satchel?" asked the Item Salesman, holding up a small bag.

Link frowned in frustration. "I told you a million times! I want the Wooden Shield!"

The Salesman gave Link a glare that closely resembled that of the Happy Mask Salesman before going back to his usual creepy smile.

"Of course young man!" he said, handing Link the shield as Link forked over his rupees.

Midna popped out of his shadow.

"You know you could have gotten a free shield from Professor Owlan, right?" asked Midna.

"Crap!" yelled Link.

"How do you know who Professor Owlan is?" asked Fi. (A typical pencil can draw a line that is thirty five miles long.)

Minda stared at Fi.

"Dude, what is wrong with your friend?" she asked Link.

"A lot of things." he whispered back.

Fi frowned and disappeared back into the Goddess Sword.

"Hey! Let go of me!" squealed Tatl.

Link and Midna turned around to see the man by the cauldron in the potion shop forcing the fairy into a bottle. When he saw them looking at him, he grinned nervously and let go of Tatl.

"Fairy abuser!" screamed Tatl.

"Sorry about that." he said, but mouthed 'I'll get you later potion ingredient!' when Link walked off to retrieve Navi.

The little blue fairy was flying dizzily around the fortune-teller's head giggling about how pretty the colour blue is.

"Come on Navi! We're leaving now." he said.

Navi's wings drooped.

"B-b-but his eyes are so...bluey!" wailed Navi.

Link rolled his eyes and stuffed Navi into his hat.

"That could be considered fairy abuse!" hissed Tatl.

"No it's okay, I'm the good guy." said Link.

"Watch out!" yelled Navi, flying out of Link's hat and flew over to the girl at the Item Check.

"Errr, Navi? That's just a girl. There's nothing scary about..."

"HOT!" screamed the girl and began chasing Link.

Link screamed and ran out of the Bazaar.

Midna laughed and popped out of his shadow. "You got scared by a girl?! Triforce of Courage, as if!"

Link furrowed his brow. "Triforce of what?"

Fi flew out of the Goddess Sword. "Master, your next destination is Faron Woods."

"What's that?" asked Link.

Fi sighed. "The green blob on your map."

Link pulled out his map. "The portal or the spilled asparagus soup?"

Fi rolled her eyes and disappeared.

"Why was she talking normally there?" asked Midna.

Link shrugged. "Probably a fluke."

They heard the faint sound of glass breaking as Fi smashed her T.V again in frustration.

"Well, guess I have to take to the air again." said Link. He turned to the nearest boardwalk.

"Woah, woah! You feeling suicidal today or something?" asked Midna nervously, "Just remember that I'm still in your shadow!"

Link ignored her and ran straight off the island.

"Holy SHIIIITTT!" screamed Midna as they fell through the air. Link whistled and his Loftwing flew under them to prevent them from falling to their death.

"Good job, Jerry!" praised Link. His Loftwing squawked in reply.

"I'm not even gonna ask." said Midna.

"What does 'shit' mean?" asked Navi, causing Tatl to squeak and slapped a hand over Navi's mouth.

"Bad word, Navi! Bad word!" she hissed.

Fi popped out of the sword once again.

"Master! Head towards the green beam of light to arrive at your next destination. However, I predict a 95% chance of you dying the moment you set foot on land." she said, then disappeared.

"Wow, thanks for believing in me Fi." said Link sarcastically.

Navi tugged on Link's hat.

"Mr. Grasshopper! I accidentally set your bird on fire."

Link looked around to see the tail of his Loftwing on fire.

"Holy crap!" shouted Link. He quickly pulled Jerry into a dive to extinguish the flames.

"What are you? A pyromaniac?" asked Tatl.

"Fire is pretty." giggled Navi.

Just then, a button appeared in front of the Loftwing.

"Press...down..." read Link.

"What the fuck does that mean?" asked Midna.

Suddenly, Jerry did a flip and the party fell down into the portal.

_Faron Woods_

"Ugh, where am I?" groaned Link.

He looked up, only to come face-to-face with The Imprisoned.

"Oh SHIT!" shouted Link.

Midna popped out of his shadow.

"Hey! I'M supposed to be the swearer of the...HOLY CRAP!"

"Do I have to fight that thing?!" asked Link. He got a sudden headache and clutched his forehead.

"What's wrong Harry Potter? Your scar hurt?" asked Midna with a smirk.

"Want an Advil?" asked Tatl.

"Shut up." said Link.

Then, the giant beast disappeared.

"What the fuck? Where'd it go?" asked Midna.

"What does 'duck' mean?" asked Navi, mishearing Midna's actual word.

Midna burst out laughing.

"Hey! What's that down there?" asked Tatl, pointing at the bottom of the spiral.

"Who cares?! I'm getting the heck out of here!" said Link, slashing furiously at the orange-glowing rock.

"Er, Link? I think you have to go down there to open the door." said Tatl.

"Crap." groaned Link. He started walking carefully down to the bottom of the spiral.

"Ugh! Can you walk any faster? Your almost as slow as King Zora!" groaned Tatl.

Navi gasped. "King Zora is the most awesomest fishy ever! He's blue!"

"Um, Navi? All of the Zoras are blue." said Tatl.

Navi ignored her and started flying in circles.

"Hey, Tatl! What's your favourite colour?" asked Link in an attempt to waste time.

Tatl whacked him on the head.

"Stop procrastinating you idiot and get down there!" she yelled.

Link shrugged. "If you say so." He then preceded to jump off the ledge.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" screamed Midna as she was dragged along in Link's shadow. At the last moment, Link opened his Sailcloth and drifted gently down to the ground, Tatl and Navi flying after them.

"Stop...fucking...doing that!" gasped Midna.

Link folded his Sailcloth and stored it away inside his adventure pouch, grinning.

"Hero...descended from the sky..." said a voice.

"What? Who said that?!" asked Link.

"Even in the wizarding world, hearing voices is not a good sign." said Midna.

"Stop making stupid Harry Potter references!" yelled Link, as Midna laughed.

"Raise thy sword skyward and seal away the evil that seeks to penetrate these lands." said the voice.

"Screw that shit." said Midna, "I'm gonna destroy this thing, 21st century style!"

She pulled a nuke bomb out of her hat and chucked it at the stone.

Fi quickly zoomed out of the Goddess Sword and detonated the bomb.

"No! Do you WANT to unleash the Imprisoned?" hissed Fi.

"Hey! She's talking normally again!" said Link.

"Good job Fifi. I think I have some dog treats around here or something." said Midna sarcastically.

Fi face palmed, well as good as she could seeing as she doesn't have hands. She turned to Link.

"Only the skyward strike can seal away the evil aura." she said, before disappearing for the fortieth time.

"A skyward what?" asked Link.

"My goddess you're stupid." said Midna. She snatched the sword from Link, much to Fi's displeasure, and performed the correct strike on the stone.

"Whose bad ass now, little hero?" asked Midna.

Link snatched the sword back from Midna and put it back in its sheath.

Suddenly, small funnels of air burst from the tiny holes in the ground all around the spiral.

"Sweet! Now I don't have to walk all the way up!" cheered Link.

Midna grinned mischievously and transformed him into a wolf.

"SHIT!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Legend Of Zelda**

Sidekick Mayhem: Chapter Three

"Haha! Looks like you have to walk all the way back up to that door at the top!" laughed Midna.

Wolf-Link growled at her.

"Yey! Linky's a puppy!" squealed Navi as she started petting Link on the head.

"Yeah, would you like a bone little doggy? I could plant a nuke bomb in it if you want some...flavour." said Midna with a smirk.

A few growls from Link and rodeo-like fight later, Midna finally agreed to turn Link back to normal.

"Okay! Okay! You lunatic!" yelled Midna as wolf-Link attempted to chew off her ponytail.

Link sighed as he changed back to normal.

"Hello fingers." he said lovingly.

Midna broke out laughing.

"What?" asked Link.

"Nothing." she replied, still smiling.

"She stole your Sailcloth." sighed Tatl.

Link lunged at the imp, who teleported to the top of the spiral.

"Come get me now sucker!" she yelled down at Link.

"Give it back!" cried Link, "Zelda gave it to me!"

"Oooh, who's this Zelda? Is she your girlfriend?" asked Midna mockingly.

Link's face went bright red with embarrassment and anger and tore up the spiral to Midna. Midna smirked and held open the parachute. When Link reached the top, he ended up barrelling straight into the Sailcloth, tangling himself up in it.

"I hate up so much right now." he growled as he attempted to untangle his foot from the parachute.

They were saved from any more injuries by the rock that had previously been blocking a door disappearing.

"Where did my pet rock go?!" wailed Navi.

"Aw," said Midna, "I probably could have blown that rock up!"

Tatl rolled her eyes and squeezed through the crack in the door.

"In you go, govenor!" said Midna, shoving Link towards the door.

"How am I supposed to open that thing?! It's a freaking gigantic slab of rock!" asked Link incredulously.

Midna sighed, pulled out a rocket-launcher from out of nowhere and blasted the door open.

"Thanks." said Link.

"No problem, dumbass." said Midna.

Link frowned and walked through the gaping hole where the door used to be.

Inside was a temple-like area with light streaming through the cracks in the ceiling. A strange statue shaped like a bird was off the the left and a slouched figure sat at the top of a set of stone stairs.

"Who is it?!" yelled the figure, "I'm not selling anything today! So if you're looking for those AK-7's of yours, come back tomorrow!"

"Um, actually not looking for weapons." said Link.

"I am!" called Midna.

"Well, if you're not looking for weapons, get off my lawn!" yelled the figure.

"Er, there is no lawn." said Link.

"You kids think you know everything! Why, in my day, kids respected their elders! And their lawns!"

"Yeah, and let me guess. In your day women still had no rights and the country was ruled under a monarchy." said Midna sarcastically.

The figure pulled out a notebook and began messily scrawling things down.

"Country...to...be...ruled...under...monarchy." they said as they wrote.

"So, can you tell me where Zelda is?" asked Link.

"Only if I get something in return! That's how we did it in my day! Bargaining for goods!"

Midna mimed hanging herself as the figure rambled on, much to the disapproval of Tatl.

"Well, what do you like?"

"Oh yeah, like I'd tell YOU!"

"Hey, Fi! A little help?" asked Link.

Fi, happy to finally get a role in this chapter, flew out of Link's sword and swooped over to the figure.

"Gender: Female. Name: Impa. Likes: Spaghetti sauce and jelly beans, together."

"Hey Impa! I'll give you jelly beans covered in spaghetti sauce if you tell me where the hell Zelda is!" said Link.

"Hmm, seems good enough. Very well, Zelda is..."

"Yes?" said Link.

"Is..."

"Yes?!"

Then, Impa died.

"That little shit!" yelled Midna.

"Well, you can't really blame someone for bushing up daisies." said Tatl.

"Ooh! Can I help plant daisies too?" asked Navi.

Tatl face-palmed.

Suddenly, Impa coughed and lifted her head.

"Oh, I guess she wasn't dead." said Link.

Impa cleared her throat and continued.

"Zelda is in Faron Woods." she said.

"No shit Sherlock! We're already here!" said Midna.

"No, you're in the Sealed Grounds." said Impa.

"Wait, does that mean...Fi actually got a fact wrong?!" said Link.

Inside the sword, Fi turned bright red and hid under a pile of blankets.

"So, where IS she in Faron Woods?" asked Link.

"Oh, probably in some temple deep in the woods. And it's probably heavily guarded by monsters ready to rip your flesh off your bones." said Impa casually.

"Awesome!" said Midna while Link's knees started knocking together.

"Anyways, where's my payment?" asked Impa.

"Oh, that, well..."

"Link doesn't have it." said Midna.

"What?!" shrieked Impa.

"Er, how about an 'I Owe You'?" said Link.

"Get out! Get out!" shrieked Impa.

The companions ran as fast as they could out a door to their right as Impa began chucking jars at their heads.

"Whew! That was a close one!" gasped Tatl.

"Where did they glass rain go? I wanted to see a rainbow!" said Navi.

Fi flew out of the sword again, still glowing bright red.

"Faron Woods." she said before disappearing again.

"Hopefully it isn't inhabited by any innocent creatures, 'cause I want to blow this place sky-high!" said Midna, "Oh, who am I kidding? I'd still blow it up!"

"Midna! You can't blow up any part of the woods until we find Zelda!" cried Link.

Midna pouted, "Fine."

Suddenly, they heard a feminine scream in the distance.

"Zelda!" exclaimed Link, and he dashed in the direction of the sound.

"Wow, Zelda sounds like a sissy." said Midna, before she and the two fairies flew after Link.

They didn't have to go far before they found him, his jaw dropped and face contorted in a mixture of shock and disappointment. It seems that the girly shriek had come from a Goron. A _male _Goron.

Tatl and Midna burst out laughing while Navi started singing nursery rhymes at the top of her tiny lungs.

The Goron was surrounded by a group of Bokoblins and was motioning frantically for Link to come and save him.

"Screw him!" said Midna, and she teleported Link and the two fairies further into the woods.

"Midna! That...thing was in trouble!" said Link.

"Yeah, and I also don't give a shit." she replied.

"Teddy bears!" squealed Navi, pointing to a creature in front of her.

"What the FUCK IS THAT?!" yelled Midna as she spotted the creature Navi was pointing at.

The creature lifted its head and stood up.

"I am a Kikwi! The masters of disguise!" it said, "Will you help me find my kin?"

"Fuck no!" yelled Midna before teleporting them yet again.

"Midna! Stop doing that!" yelled Link.

"Sorry." huffed the imp.

"Where are we?" asked Tatl staring up at the stone building in front of them.

"Master! This is Skyview Temple. There is a good chance that Zelda is inside." said Fi.

"Well, I guess this is the temple that old lady told us about." said Link.

"Yeah, before she tried to give us concussions." said Midna sarcastically.

"Oh boy! Maybe this will be like the game Temple Run!" said Navi excitedly.

"Er, Navi? I think you just broke the fourth wall." said Tatl.

"A wall! Where?!" asked Navi, flying around in search of the 'wall'.

"Do I have to go in there?" gulped Link.

"Obviously." said Midna in a Snape-like voice.

Suddenly, Navi flew back over to Link with something in her hands.

"Mr. Linky, sir! Is this the wall?" she asked, holding up a slingshot.

"No, but it might be useful. Thanks Navi!" he said, giving the fairy a pat on where he assumed her head was. He then loaded the slingshot and aimed it at Midna.

"Hey what are you...Ow!" yelped Midna as Link shot a seed at her eye.

"That was for turning me into a wolf!" he said.

"Wow Link, you're still mad about that? Gosh, you're almost as bad as Zant when I stole his Barbie doll and burned off all of her hair!"

Link blinked, "I'm not going to ask."

"Come on Mr. Linky!" said Navi, pulling on his tunic, "Let's go find a soul mate for Mr. Blinky!"

Midna smirked, "Still not going to ask?"

Link sighed, "Nope."


End file.
